Are you ready?

Like most of you, I’ve gone through the public school system and learned English, Math, Social Studies, Science, P.E. and conformity. That in itself wasn’t a bad thing during the industrial age when industry required many workers that demonstrated conformity and careful following of instructions. The work was monotonous, but people were able to earn a comfortable living mass-producing widgets. Thus the educational system was tailored to produce pre-programmed ‘cogs’ ready to follow a set of instructions input by management.

“Sit down, shut up and conform with the rules.”

As is with most large systems burdened by bureaucracy, our educational system has been slow to evolve and has fallen behind in understanding what is currently in demand by society. Unfortunately, the idea of conformity and ‘going with the flow’ has become a de facto rule in making a living for oneself. Parents encourage us to stay in school, graduate and find a stable, well paying job. Peers calculate your success depending on the size your employer.

Seth Godin challenges this idea in his new book ‘Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?‘ Are you only doing the things your boss tells you, following instructions and keeping below the radar? Then you’re easy to replace, just as a cog in a machine. In Linchpin, Godin instead challenges you to become indispensable, be generous and create ‘art’. The ‘art’ Godin refers to is ‘something that creates change in another’ and can be applied to anything from products to services to that sincere smile that brightens your day from the cashier at the local coffee shop. This form of ‘art’ requires creativity and boldness to take your work from the mundane to the edge of the box. (Outside of the box may not produce the results you’re looking for).

Godin also sheds light on ‘resistance’ created by the genes passed down by our ancestors. The same fear that helped our ancestors survive has gotten a grip on our best ideas and hampered us with fear. But this fear keeps us from taking risks, standing out, or doing remarkable things because it feels safe to stay put. Staying put means you do ordinary work, and that increases your risk of being replaced.

If you’ve ever felt that you have more to offer the world, something better, something worth talking about, get the inspiration you need by getting a hold of Linchpin. This book is for anyone doing indispensable work, wants to do indispensable work and people who need to do indispensable work. Go, get out there and become a Linchpin.

Posts by Seth Godin on:

- Making Art

- Quieting the Lizard Brain (Resistance)

Do you crave praise from others?

This post is part of the Guest Post Giveaway at the blog Unready and Willing. If you think articles about writing or personal development (or personal development for writers) sounds like a good fit for your blog, please take a look at the Guest Post Giveaway page and see if any of the articles spark your interest.

Why should you endeavor to overcome the want of praise? Isn’t it a good thing to be loved and celebrated for the things you do?

There’s nothing wrong with praise itself, but the want of praise is an entirely different matter. If you fall into the trap of constantly seeking approval, validation, and recognition from other people as the primary way to determine your self-value, you lose the ability to generate your own self-value, and you will continue to rely on other people to buoy your self-esteem. The reliance on external praise can grow to the point that whenever someone praises you, even in the smallest way, you feel a rush of elation, the feeling that “someone out there values my existence.”

Unfortunately, if this external praise is all you have, the high will always wear off. The people who applaud you can only clap their hands for so long and the awards and trophies you’ve received are destined to gather dust. No matter how great your achievements may be there will always be a time when the flood of praise will run to a trickle, and then be gone.

So, what happens when the praise is gone? If approval and recognition from others is the only way for you to determine your self-worth, you’ll most likely suffer a severe drop in self-esteem. Your past achievements, which are no longer celebrated, will seem distant and more a result of luck than of actual ability. Once you stop getting appreciation from other people, you’ll tend to seek it out in a superficial form. Ironically, once your focus deviates from creating value for other people to simply getting praise for its own sake, the very actions that you take to get praise from others will make it harder and harder for the praise to come by. When you rely on the approval of others to boost your self-esteem is when you ultimately damage your capacity to feel comfortable with who you are.

The want of praise is self-destructive

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation when someone tries to interrupt you with an anecdote or jumps on the chance to add their input before you’re done talking? Maybe you were the person that was doing the interrupting. I’ve certainly been that person from time to time. The motivation behind making the interruption is simple. Our craving for recognition and praise is so strong that we step on other people’s words so that someone could recognize us as funny, witty, or fascinating. More often than not, all we do is annoy the people around us.

After you interrupt someone in a conversation to show off how witty or fascinating you are, you might indeed be paid a compliment. These complements usually take the form of lip-service and flattery, and they’re not so sincere as they’re a mechanism of polite conversation. They’ll generally be along the lines of a noncommittal “Huh, that’s interesting,” or,”Huh, that’s funny,” and there the conversation will end.

Lip-service and flattery are but cheap substitutes for praise when no praise is deserved. People who are addicted to praise, however, will take what they can get. They’ll eat up the lip service and flattery as though it was a wholesome meal when all they’re getting is empty calories. They doubt that the praise they receive is sincere, but as their self-image has come to depend upon it, they’ll strive to get it no matter the consequence. They gobble it up, and within seconds they’re hungry for more. This process repeats itself, depleting self-esteem, and alienating friends. It can go so far as to where even the well of flattery dries up and all they’re left with is a sense of growing silence from those around them.

How to overcome the want of praise

The want of praise is a powerfully addictive drug. But like any drug it’s a habit we can kick. In my own experiences I’ve found that the more I’ve been able to let go of the want of praise and approval, the more of it I get. Instead of asking yourself: “How can I get so-and-so to like me?” re-frame the question and ask yourself: “How can I use my talents and abilities to help them, or make them happy?” You can be surprised how other people’s attitudes toward you will shift for the better.

Here are some guidelines for kicking the habit:

1. If you’re compelled to speak during a conversation, ask yourself if the motivation to speak comes from wanting recognition rather than adding value to the conversation. If so, stop yourself and listen to the other person. Speak only when you have truly understood what the other person has said.
2. Whenever you decide to undertake a new project, think about how much the endeavor is motivated by the want of praise. If it is, modify your focus so that you’re more in tune with the value that you can create for other people, rather than the praise you’ll receive for yourself. As Viktor Frankl once said: “Success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” Focus on providing value first, and recognition and approval will naturally follow.
3. Write in a journal. Take a note of all the actions you’ve taken during the day that stemmed from the want of praise. Count up the incidences and resolve to reduce them.
4. In the same journal entry take note of all the positive changes in your life that have come from kicking the habit. You might be surprised how friendly, open, and approving people become.
5. Be happy about your accomplishments, but don’t dwell on them. Remember that even if you win the Nobel Prize, that’s nice, but all people really care about is what you’re doing right now. Talking about the glory days will only result in your being fed more flattery and lip-service.
6. Stop caring about how smart, strong, or rich you are. Your abilities and situation in life are largely an accident of your birth. No one really cares if you’re smarter, richer, or better looking than the next person anyway.
7. Give yourself praise! The truest and longest lasting source of approval comes from within. If you yourself don’t approve of what you’re doing, chances are that others won’t either.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. However, I believe it’s a good start for people who are starving for recognition that they think they deserve. When you let go of the false belief that your self-worth has to come from other people, you will find that many of your insecurities will vanish into thin air. This is when you start to get real recognition and not just lip service.

Kenji Crosland is a creative writing major who, scared of becoming a starving artist, became a corporate headhunter in Tokyo. Since then he’s regained his sanity, quit his job, and currently blogs about creating an ideal career at unreadyandwilling.com. He’s currently developing a web application that just might change the internet. Follow him on twitter @KenjiCrosland.

Relieve stress before it consumes you!

We’ve all had those days when everything seems to go wrong. Mismatching socks, hair that doesn’t want to stay down/up, spilling your morning coffee, forgetting a meeting that started 30 minutes ago, traffic lights that turn red at the first sight of you, and much more. Such days usually only last a day and after a good night’s rest, you wake up to a new day and in better spirits.

But what if things continue to go awry and the stress increases, putting you in a chronically stressed state?

Taking myself as an example, I’ve experienced a whole host of atypical stressors for the past few months. The snowball of stressors started off as I had dinner with my family. No, it’s not drama with the in-laws, but my mother suddenly told us that she felt sick and within a few seconds, her eyes turned back only showing white and her skin immediately turned a cold purple as she violently convulsed and gasped for air in my arms. Many thoughts raced through my mind as I held my mother while everyone was screaming for her. Luckily, I knew enough CPR to get her breathing while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. But because my mother has no health care coverage, even more stress and worries come into play.

If that wasn’t stressful enough, another stressor was waiting to jump out at me. Late at night, while I was working on some projects, I heard a loud crash right outside my window. Peering out, I saw that someone had crashed into and totaled my parked car along with my neighbor’s car. If this wasn’t bad enough, having to deal with the insurance company puts salt on your wound and your eyes for good measure.

Yes, there are still more things that contributed to my stress level the past few months, such as my bank failing and a vendor at work refusing to complete an order worth $XX,XXX, but I’ll spare you the details. Instead, let’s talk about why stress management is important and how we can reduce stress when we step in life’s poop.

Why Manage Stress?

All stress is not created equal. When I hear the word stress, my first reaction is a negative one, but I became informed about good stress, known as ‘eustress’ from Tim Ferriss’ best seller, ‘The Four Hour Work Week.” Eustress is the normal short-term stressors we encounter that improve our performance, capabilities and are considered beneficial. Examples of eustress are things like the excitement that comes with scoring highly on a test, getting a raise at work, being praised, etc. But when negative stress, called distress, becomes constant over a long period of time, this burden becomes chronic stress. Chronic stress can contribute to a whole host of problems ranging from minor ailments to major illnesses, both mental and physical. Examples of distress include difficulty with your manager at work and family concerns or problems outside of your control.

Fortunately, stress can be managed in a variety of ways that suit your personality and situation.

Stress Relieving Tips

Hang Out with Close Friends and Family – As Stacey (WB contributing writer) mentioned, we all have a need to belong. Try increasing the frequency you hang out with your friends and family. Go out for dessert or a cup of coffee and enjoy your time with them. This will help you escape the stresses for a few hours and by the time the stresses resurface, you’ll be in a better state of mind to help you constructively cope with problems.

Smile – Just the simple act of smiling has been documented to improve your mood. Try it out, smile and hold it; feel that beautiful energy radiate throughout your body. I’ll be the first to admit how difficult smiling is when you’re stressed, but hold the smile for a few seconds and ‘know’ you’re making a change in how you feel.

Go for a Jog – Exercising has been proven have many benefits beyond that of simple physical fitness.  Go out for a quick jog and release the stresses of the day and let your endorphins give you the ‘feel good’ you need. The key is to get your body moving and break a sweat. FYI: It also boosts your brainpower too!

Make Sure You’re Keeping a Healthy Diet – Keeping a healthy diet in times of stress is difficult. When I’m stressed, I become lazy and end up at the nearest fast food joint. Although this might seem like an easy way to save time and satiate your hunger, continue on this path and we’ll end up seeing a whole host of other problems that becomes a cycle of declining health and increased stress levels. One solution to unhealthy snacking is by keeping fruits within reach and snack foods behind cabinets, or better yet, nowhere inside your house.  By keeping the snacks out of sight and away, you’ll be less likely to reach for it when the craving hits.

Breathing – We’ve all heard it before. Deep breathing helps you relax and exhale the stress away. It’s because it works. Deep breathing can be practiced anywhere, anytime, and will help you calm down and regain composure. Try slowly breathing in through your nose for 5 seconds and exhaling slowly for 10 seconds through your mouth. When you breathe, just as many vocalists and musicians do, expand your lungs downward and use your abdominal muscles to exhale smoothly.

Pretend to Feel Good – Pretend to feel good? What good is pretending when you’re stressed out of your mind? Just like how creating a smile on your face will improve your mood, pretending to be in a better mood will help you out of your slump.

Change Your Perceptions – How do you perceive your stress? If you see your stress as the end of the world, you’ll end up doing more harm to yourself than if you were to perceive your stress in a different light. Can your situation be seen as a learning opportunity? As bleak as it seems, are there positive things that can come out of the situation?

Take Some Time Off of Work – A lot of stress is rooted in our work environment. Being confined to our workplace for 8+ hours a day isn’t natural. Especially in stressful work environments, it is even more important to regularly take time off work to refresh both your body and mind. Instead of taking one long vacation each year, if your job permits, why not take many shorter breaks? I usually take 2 days off at a time, making sure to include the weekends for a nice 4-day getaway.

Avoid Environments that Trigger Stress – Do certain environments bring about stress? Most may say that their workplace does, but are there certain places that bring about traumatic memories? If possible, try avoiding places that trigger such stresses until enough time has passed.

Remember, stress is not the same for everyone. Something that may stress you out may not bother the person next to you. Likewise, some of the tips above may or may not work for you, but pick and choose the most effective and beneficial stress relievers for you. Bye to distress!

Do you have any stress relief tips? What works for you? What doesn’t?

Are you from Mars? Venus? How about Earth?

I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” and probably have thought so at some point when frustrated by the other sex. But are men and women really all that different and mysterious?

Check out a typical forwarded e-mail joke:

How to Impress a Woman:

Compliment her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Caress her. Love her. Comfort her. Protect her. Hug her. Hold her. Spend money on her. Wine and dine her. Listen to her. Care for her. Stand by her. Support her. Go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

It’s pretty funny, right? Even though it may seem true at times, the truth is that men and women aren’t as opposite as the stereotype makes it out to be. Jokes like the one above reinforce the stereotype that women look for affection, while men just want unemotional sex (and beer).

Of course, men and women can vary quite a bit from each other, but the differences between the average man and woman are small. Truth is, both women and men usually want their intimate partners to give them plenty of warmth and affection.

Consequences of Believing the Stereotype

Are there any consequences of wrongly buying into the stereotype that men and women are complete opposites? Research says yes. When you think of the other sex as “opposite” and having little in common with you, this inaccurate view can prevent you from trying to understand a partner’s point of view. It can also keep you from collaborative problem-solving, since you might be less likely to try and fix your heterosexual relationships when conflicts come up (and if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know they do!). This can all lead to pessimism and hopelessness about the other sex.

The Other Sex isn’t So Strange

To save yourself from all the headache and unnecessary drama, try to stop thinking of the other sex as being so opposite from yourself – you might find it a tad bit easier to understand them. You might even find resolving conflicts and problem-solving to be simpler than you anticipated…and you will have freed yourself from a damaging stereotype that can sabotage a relationship. Even though there will be times when the stereotype fits well, I hope that by reading this, you’ll gain some insight that will benefit your relationships. Do you think this knowledge will change how you perceive the other sex?

Photo by dfrangi

Cognitive performance can be improved!

You’ve heard the hype: ‘supplements’ that boost brain performance, games that improve your IQ, toys for toddlers that’ll make them the next Mozart.  Although some companies may claim an extreme brain boost at an extreme price, the verdict is still out on if the products offer a real boost to brain performance apart from the placebo effect. Much to the delight of such product peddlers, the lack of concrete research doesn’t detract the people who are driven to gain any advantage they can in the race to achieve more.

Research and the Proven Way to Boost Cognitive Functioning
Reading ‘Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School’ by John Medina, I came across a study at Nihon Fukushi University in Japan testing the benefits of jogging on mental performance, such as memory, perception and thinking over a 12-week period. The researchers, lead by Dr. Kisou Kubota, found that jogging significantly improved the mental performance of the group that had been asked to jog, while the performance of the group that had not participated in the jogging remained the same. They also found that once the jogging regimen stopped, so did the benefits of the mental performance boost.

Another study at the National Institute of Aging showed that exercise ‘has profound benefits for brain function.’ By keeping an active lifestyle and complementing it with a healthy diet, this not only boosts the performance of the brain but also delays the effects of aging.

Exercise also improves grades in school-aged children
A National Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that students who do not get sufficient physical activity are much more likely to receive poor grades in school compared to students that engage in physical activity. (Physical activity in this survey was defined as activity that gets children to sweat at least 5 or more days a week.)

Slow Down Cognitive Decline in Your Later Years
Long-term research study was conducted on elderly women aged 71-80 and found that women who were the most active (over 1:30 hours of walking a week) saw significantly better cognitive functioning than that of their more sedentary counterparts. This is also true for elderly males, as a study found that males aged 71-93 who walked more than 2 miles (3.2 km) a day were around 2 times less likely to develop dementia than males who walked less than 0.25 miles (0.4 km) a day!

How much exercise do we need to improve brain performance?
So you might ask, “How much exercise do I need to get the benefits?” A study from the University of Georgia found that moderate exercise of up to 60 minutes improves brain performance. On the other hand, extremely strenuous and extended exercise will lower brain performance for the short period one is tired and dehydrated. Studies have also shown that exercise in short bursts of 10 minutes 3 times a day yielded the same results as one 30 minute exercise session to improve cardiovascular health. With the improvement of the cardiovascular system, more fresh oxygen is introduced into both the body and brain, thus helping boost brain performance.

You will also want to consider your physical condition before you begin or up your exercise schedule. If you’re uninterested in jogging, try walking around the block for 15-30 minutes 2 to 3 times a week and if you’re just starting off, aim to break a light sweat. The key is to start moving your body and get your blood flowing to your brain.

Do I have time to exercise?
When we’re hit with a last minute work project, a call from a friend to hang out, your child’s science project that’s due tomorrow or any number of things that could happen and do happen, exercise and sleep usually take the back seat. Although a regular exercise schedule is ideal, if you’re on a time crunch, use lunchtime to get some exercise in. Don’t want to get too sweaty while exercising? Try these exercises without breaking a sweat and if you do, here are 4 ways to combat sweat. Use the often-missed opportunities to get moving. Do you need to go to the water cooler? Take the long way and get an extra few steps in. Get creative, move your body and get smarter!

Many other benefits of exercise
It’s been said time and time again that exercise has benefits beyond just losing weight. But to drive home the importance, here are some more benefits of exercise:

• Fight depression
• Improve body functioning
• Improved mood
• Stronger muscles and bones
• Boost your energy
• Get better sleep

And much more!

WB Summary:

• Exercise has been empirically proven to improve cognitive performance in every age group.
• Exercise significantly helps fight dementia in your later years.
• Exercise regularly for benefits. Once you stop exercising, the benefits will start diminishing
• Exercise with your physical condition in mind. Too much is too much. Know your limitations.
• If you haven’t started exercising, get started. The key is to get your body moving.

Haiti Earthquake News Updates

What's your pickup line?

Happy 2010 & the start of a new decade! Since this post marks the start of a new year, I thought I’d do something a bit lighthearted and fun, yet still valuable. Have you ever wondered what to say to that attractive girl/guy (whom you’d like to meet) standing in line behind you? Would saying “Hi” be enough to start a conversation, or should you try a clever pickup line?

Let’s go through your options:

• You can just say “Hi”
• Directly show your interest by saying something to the effect of “Hi, I’m a little embarrassed about this, but I’d like to get to know you”
• Conversation opener line like “[Insert your choice of pickup line]”

Which do you think will increase your chances of that person sticking around to talk to you?

Men vs. women’s reception of pickup lines

Although a humorous comment may seem like a good way to break the ice, it might not be the best time to use that pickup line you’ve been wanting to try depending on whether you’re male or female.

When a female uses a cute pickup line on a male in a bar, she gets a favorable response 90% of the time. In fact, just about any opening line from a female works well – males don’t seem to care too much about what opening lines are used, which may lead them to overestimate women’s liking for pickup lines.

On the other hand, when a male uses a pickup line on a female, it only works 24% of the time compared with a 70% success rate for just breaking the ice by saying “Hi” or directly showing interest. So guys, take note: girls don’t like those cheesy pickup lines! It’ll go over much better if you’d just be genuine and say “Hi.”

So the next time you see someone you’d like to meet, keep in mind it’s much more effective to just say hello than try to be cute… unless you’re a female, in which case just about anything you say will work

What do you think – has a clever pickup line ever worked for you, or do you prefer to just say hello?

What's Your Resolution for the New Year?

January 1st is fast approaching. Have you thought about your resolution for the coming year?

Even though most of us are full of broken New Year’s resolution commitments, every year we tell ourselves that we will commit ourselves to one thing or another. I have to admit; I don’t even remember what my resolutions from past years were. It’s obvious that New Year’s resolutions haven’t worked out for me.

Research by the people at Quirkology found from their study of over 3,000 people that only 12% achieved their New Year’s resolution goals. To make matters more interesting, 52% of the over 3,000 people were confident that they would achieve their goal when they first committed to it. (Which also means that 48% committed to a New Year’s resolution with expectations of not succeeding?) Although 12% is a disappointing percentage, there are ways to improve your odds of success.

Not all hope is lost. Tips given by the Quirkology study to improve your odds of achieving your resolution say that men tend to achieve 22% more often when they used goal setting as a tactic, while women can boost their success rate by 10% when they share their goals with others and gain support.

Here are some more tips from the Quirkology study:

One Resolution Only – Just like how our minds are not made to multi-task, trying to focus on many resolutions will split your focus and lower performance. Concentrating on one resolution will help you increase your focus on the one important resolution you want to achieve, thus increasing your success rate.

Be Specific – If you tell yourself that your resolution is to create a successful blog, there is no context to what you want to achieve. Do you want a publishing deal through your blog? Do you want 500 subscribers? 100,000? Or is your motivation based on income that can be generated from your blog? How much income do you want to generate? (Be specific with the amount)

Be Persistent – We all mess up here and there, but keep at your goals. If you stall or let your resolution schedule pass up, get back into your routine as soon as you can. We also need to know that new habits will take a long time to learn. Some habits may come as soon as 1 month, while others may take well over a year.

Other Suggestions:

Instead of a longer 1-year commitment, try something you’d find more reasonable.  How about a 200-day challenge? 100-day challenge? 30-day challenge?

By achieving smaller challenges in the beginning, you’ll be able to build up confidence and motivation to challenge yourself to bigger goals.

If you want to improve your success rate and want to achieve more than one resolution, aim for goals in different areas.  If you want to learn another language, make another resolution a physical one such as being able to run a half-marathon, etc.

Know why you want to achieve a certain goal. Do you want to lose weight because you want to look good at the beach? Is it because you’ll be facing health problems if you don’t shed some extra weight? Is it pressure from others?

If you decide to challenge yourself in 2010, good luck!

Photo by: express monorail

What are the differences you see in intimate relationships?

In the previous post on relationships, we explored the human need to belong and how to satisfy that need, and today, we’ll talk a bit about relationships and how casual ones differ from more intimate connections.  Before we get any further, you might have some questions about the definition of ‘intimate.’ Although ‘intimate’ can also refer to non-romantic relationships such as close friendships, we’re going use intimate to refer to romantic relationships here. Take a moment to reflect on the intimate relationships you’ve had – how were they different than your friendships?

Intimate relationships are different from casual ones in at least 6 ways:

1. Knowledge: People in romantic relationships have extensive (and often confidential) personal information about each other.  They’ve probably shared feelings, desires, and info about their histories they don’t reveal to other people they know.
2. Caring: Affection is higher between romantic partners, who feel more affection for each other than they do for most others.
3. Interdependence: The lives of intimate partners are intertwined to some degree, since your behavior and what you do will affect not only you, but also your significant other. It’s the extent you need and influence each other.
4. Mutuality: As a relationship get more exclusive and/or serious, people start to consider themselves to be a couple instead of two separate individuals. It’s when you start thinking in terms of “us.”
5. Trust: An expectation that our significant other will treat us with honor. If trust is broken, we often stop wanting to be as open, and that affects the level of interdependence.
6. Commitment: The expectation that the relationship will continue indefinitely. When people are committed, they invest the time, effort, and resources to make that happen.

So there it is: the 6 important ways romantic relationships stand out from other more casual relationships. You don’t absolutely need these factors for intimacy to happen, and each can exist even when others are missing. Take an unhappily married couple as an example: they might still be very interdependent, but without much caring or trust. You can imagine that their relationship is still intimate, but to a lesser degree.

Keep in mind that intimacy can vary over the course of a relationship, but generally, our most meaningful and happy relationships include all 6 factors described above. Do you feel that this accurately reflects your most satisfying intimate relationships?

Photo by: zz77

You should enter your email address and subscribe now:

How do you satisfy your need to belong?

As humans, we are social creatures who have a need to belong in close relationships. You might ask, “Why do we have the need to belong?” It may be a part of our human nature to establish close relationships with others, speculated to have evolved from the days when early humans lived in tribes in hostile environments (Baumeister and Leary, 1995). Those who formed connections with others were more likely to survive and have children, giving them an advantage and becoming an adaptive trait. Although this view is speculative, there is no doubt that having caring relationships with others is essential for a good life. If the need is not met, problems (explained below) can result. If you think about it, punishment sometimes comes in the form of solitary confinement, which is deprivation of social interaction. And being entirely alone for an extended period of time is highly stressful for most people.

Close Relationships = Better Health & Mental Health

Some of the strongest support of the need to belong comes from research of people who have lost their close ties to others. Problems can range from health issues such as higher blood pressure, weaker immune systems, to even earlier death! Across the life span, those with few close relationships (whether friends or lovers) were two to three times more likely to die over a nine-year span. And if those stats aren’t scary enough, the quality of the close relationships we have also impact our mental health. Couples were generally happier if they report their marriage as satisfying than those whose marriages are less pleasant.

How Do We Satisfy Our Need to Belong?

Our need to belong is fulfilled with frequent, pleasant interactions with people in lasting, caring relationships. We don’t need many close relationships; the quality of the relationships matters much more than the quantity. The need to belong is satisfied and our drive to form additional relationships is reduced when we are given stable affection and acceptance. So the take-home message is this: We crave close relationships with people whom we feel accepted by, and it doesn’t matter so much who they are as long as they provide us support.

People have all kinds of close relationships with one another and relationships can vary, but as we’ve found out, closeness with others is essential for a good, long life. So how do romantic relationships differ from other close relationships? In the next relationship post, we’ll look into those details.

This is a guest post by Stacey Yan, a good friend of mine. Stacey has just completed her MSW degree (also has a BA in Psychology) and is currently enjoying her off time hiking around the various trails of Southern California.

You should enter your email address and subscribe now: